I've been on such a spiritual high lately. My testimony strong, the spirit always near. I went to the temple for the first time since they closed last year. It was so great! And then, life happens. Your friends and family start to falter in their faith. So many are leaving the church. So many people I love leaving. Saying, the church doesn't fit with their lifestyle. Even for someone so strong, I think it's a natural thing to doubt your feelings sometimes. So, as I sat, thinking of this, I prayed, "God, please show me you are there. I know I believe, but just remind me, please?" Nothing. What was I expecting would happen? I don't know. So, I sat longer, wondering what if. What if people are on to something? What if God isn't real? What if I've been raised by well-meaning latter-day saints and we've all been bamboozled out of something. What though? Our time? Money? Money taken and given to the poor and the needy. Money used to build temples so millions of people can do work for dead people and spend hours of their time making sure our ancestors have the opportunity to accept the Gospel? Money given to leaders to live fancy lifestyles? No, maybe then money spent travelling the world? Sure, maybe that's what they're after. Only, when they travel, they don't vacation. They spend their time speaking to people, telling them to be self-sufficient, good citizens, be honest;  telling people all over the world to follow the Savior of the world. Be kind. Serve. Love. Makes you kind of wonder what the church leaders are after if it's not power or money. Maybe they really do believe what they teach. But what if, even then, God is just made up and we really don't know anything? I went through my afternoon feeling more and more empty by the minute. I went outside to be with my husband to feel a little better. He was busy though, so I came in. Well what's the point of anything then? What's the point of a husband, a family, this life? It's so, empty and meaningless. I have no purpose. We're all just accidents. My, how quickly I can change from feeling I know God to there isn't one. But in the back of my mind and heart, I feel something. Something connecting me to a higher power, to my Heavenly Father. Tired of feeling unhappy, I turn on some Christian music. That usually makes me feel good. This song came on. No One Ever Cared for me Like Jesus, by Steffany Gretzinger. I'd never heard it before, but I knew this was for me, from my God!

The phrase "My joy was found" instantly brought tears to my eyes as I realized Jesus is the reason. He is the reason I am happy. There is nothing without him-not for me. "That all my treasure was in heaven and You were everything to me...Let it be known in You alone my joy was found." The spirit washed over me with a feeling of fire. Why I would ever think I needed something worldly to fill my soul and give me exceeding joy, I don't know. Perhaps it is just a natural thing to doubt your feelings. But tonight, I am filled. Filled with the spirit. Filled with love and joy and purpose as God answered my prayer. Thank you, Heavenly Father.

I dreamed a dream

 I had a dream last night. In my dreams, I am usually a good flier. I fly a lot in my dreams. I have, in a sense, mastered being able to fly on command. The only thing about flying is that if I start going too high, I lose faith in my ability and will start to fall. So, occasionally I will test the limits of this, but usually I stay within maybe 500 feet off the ground. So, in my dream, I was flying over the trees with ease just enjoying life with this carefree attitude, when I came across what looked like a wall of tree stumps stacked up. Seemed like a couple hundred feet tall. I became distracted and flew down towards the blockade. When I was near the wall of stumps, I started to wonder if I would be able to rise again over the wall and then fear set in and I started to doubt myself. As I continued losing hope and floating slowly towards the ground, I grabbed on to the stumps at the top of the wall. I wanted to make it over the wall and with doubt fogging my mind, I could no longer rely on my skills of flying. I had to try another way and the only way I saw was to grab on and pull myself over the wall. At this moment, I saw myself as I watched from above. I was struggling. I started to perspire and soon became drenched in my own sweat. But I did not lose sight of my goal. I was going to make it over that wall. It was at that moment  that I realized I needed those stumps to hold on to. Yes, they were a hurdle and it would be nice if they weren’t there to begin with, but at that moment, that was where I was and I wanted to stay high in the air, to be free again, so I had to use what I had available to me to make it over the mountain of stumps and be able to fly free again. I pondered in my dream what this meant in relation to trials and tribulations in my real life. When I realized I could use those stumps to make it to my end goal, it became easier for me to climb and eventually I did make it over where I could fly again. This dream has taught me a few things. 1)I could use, and perhaps, maybe even needed obstacles in my life to overcome to keep me spiritually high and close to the Savior. 2) It didn’t matter what I was capable of doing before, when I began to doubt with the truths I already knew and believed in, I needed something new. Something different, something more this time to help me to get higher and stay faithful. 3) That I desired to endure was the one thing that kept me holding on long enough before I could learn what I needed to help me make it over in the end.

I feel like I should give a talk now.😂🤣

Loving learning just because

Truth be told, I don’t know what I want to do with my life because I want to do too many things. I have discovered that I really enjoy seeing how things work. I enjoy building things because I take lots of boring things and creating something pleasing. This is why Dave thought I might like programming. I think I just need more visual stimulation during the process. I don’t know, maybe I didn’t give it enough time, but for now I am moving on to other possibilities. I have been wanting to learn massage therapy so I could know about muscles and where and what to do to help heal the body. After my surgery, I went to get lymphatic massages every week, so I was curious what exactly was happening with my lymphatic system during this recovery process. I started watching YouTube classes about it and found a channel that explains really well and I’m able to understand what is going on in my body. So, I decided I wanted to kinda start from the beginning and then continue learning about anatomy and physiology. So I’ve been watching classes on The Chemistry of Life. I thought I’d skip over the science of atoms and compounds and whatever else, but since our body uses chemistry for nearly everything going on, I figured it wouldn’t hurt to review my forgotten knowledge of these things. I finally understand for the first time what things do and mean that I just skipped over in high school because it was confusing. Anyway, she starts discussing enzymes and I started wondering what enzymes were in the stomach and liver, which is where everything gets metabolized. Next I’m looking up about ulcers and the medication that I was given and how exactly those things were helping to fix the ulcer. Anyway, I am totally amazed at how life works. I’m constantly thinking, “Oh, that must be why...” Lightbulbs! I don’t know if I will do anything related to that field, but for now it’s very enlightening!

Just some thoughts

It's been a while since I have written anything, but I have had a lot of thoughts about the lesson today in church. We discussed temptation and the teacher likened a scripture story in Alma to strengthening our weaknesses and temptations. So, the story was when the lamanites were going to take over the city of Ammonihah because they had destroyed it previously and it was an easy target. Moroni knew this would be their plan and so they had been fortifying the city, put an army there, and were prepared for when the lamanites would come. So, likewise, satan tries to go after our weaknesses over and over and over because that's an easy target for him. So the question we have now is how will we fortify our weaknesses? I guess since I'm still reading in Alma and was familiar with the story, it really enlightened me. How can I literally make myself stronger where I am weak? I know what I should do, sure...BUT, I realize now that this is difficult because I want to keep doing the same things I'm doing, even though they may not be the best for me. I'm not ready to say goodbye to some of my weaknesses.  I need to figure out how I can desire a fully righteous life. If I'm being honest,  I love the Lord and His gospel, but I guess the truth is I don't love Him enough or rather love Him perfectly. This saddens me, but at the same time the spirit is leading me through this so I can maybe in another life love Him perfectly. I know that I want to love the Lord with all my might, mind, and strength. So I am grateful for that hope. So now that I have narrowed down what I need to do to start this change of heart, the only thing I can start with is drawing closer the the Savior so he will draw closer to me. Maybe then will I be willing to "put off the natural man." I will do this by making my personal study of the scriptures a little more meaningful. I will actually study personally the come follow me instead of just leaving that for family study. Probably next, like when my kids are in school all day, I will be able to make my temple attendance more regular. So that's my plan...

So, I would say I have really grown to love plants. I love to experiment to see what happens. This way I actually get to know my plants. Seems cheesy, but it true. When I was a kid, in the bathroom where mom had that pathos plant growing, hanging in that twine planter thing, every time I saw a new leaf growing I was amazed...and I'd sing it happy birthday. 😀 The life applications I find from analogies I come up with are endless. Stemming from creation of life to just about anything, there's so many insights! The joy I feel when I have brought a nearly dead plant back to something that thrives is awesome. I cut a section of this plant that broke off. I put it in water by my sink for many months while roots grew and I finally planted it in soil so it can really take off. Every time I look at it, I smile. It's beautiful to me.

Church today- Joshua wanted something Maddy took and kicked her. Sacrament comes to us immediately following. Maddy, in her snottiest voice says, "Joshua doesn't deserve the sacrament." I was so annoyed and about to say she didn't deserve it either because of her attitude, when I had a quick ''Lord help me" moment and the words Nobody deserves it, but we can take it anyway, came out. Definitely not words from my mind. Maddy looked at me stunned and I was also stunned at what I had said. I've been thinking about it all day. How much the Lord loves us and how his grace is sufficient.

At work today a lady and her little girl came to check out. The girl was five but looked 3 or 4. I had noticed the mom signing to the girl earlier. After talking to the mom she told me her daughter was deaf and also had been having heart problems. She had already had open heart surgery in August and was having complications with that and wasn't sure how many more Halloweens she would have, so she wanted to make it special. I could tell she was having a rough day and I really felt for her especially with mom in the hospital and possibly having to do surgery in the future. I rang up her stuff and while she was chasing her daughter who had run off, I quickly paid for her things. She came back with one more thing and I rang it up and the total was like 5 something, so when I said the total was 5, she looked up confused. I told her I took care of the other stuff and she put her hands over her face and started crying. I came over and gave her a hug. I'm so grateful for what we have been blessed with and I am grateful that I was able to do something so little that meant something more to them.  The girl showed me her heart scar and her mom told her daughter I was her friend. I leaned the words beautiful, thank you, and you're welcome.  I hope things work out for them.