How are you doing?

People have been asking me how I have been doing and at first I'd answer with a "doing good" without even thinking about it, but lately I have been a bit more honest. Maybe it's because I need prayers or something. I have really been having some struggles with a lot of things, internally I guess. At first I thought I might have PMDD, which is PMS but way worse, but I should have started my period already and I haven't, so I really don't know. I don't think depression is the problem, but a symptom of something else. Maybe lack of sleep is a contributor as well, because I can't remember the last time I had more than 4 hours of sleep at a time. My eyes are always bloodshot and the bags never go away (but that is genetic I guess lol). I'm stressed out, my chest hurts probably from anxiety, and I'm sorry, but I just can't stop thinking about drinking :( All these years and it's like I can still taste it, my mouth waters for it. I remember the feeling of not feeling depressed. I remember the feeling of having friends because I'm way too introverted on my own and that makes me want to drink. I don't know if this is like taboo to talk about since mormons like to keep their problems to themselves, but I don't know how else I can seek help from people, and I need help-prayers or something. Do I think I could drink, no, but it's literally painful to think of it all the time and never have it. I was feeling so bad the other day I almost emailed my rs president to tell her I didn't want my calling anymore because I just can't handle any extra stress. Our home teachers came over today and one explained that he was struggling from an addiction and could we pray for him. I started crying when I pretty much asked for the same. My faith is strong in a lot of ways, but the last week, I just can't help but think this life is some kind of sick joke. So many people are just miserable. Why were we created to just follow God? It's like I don't have a choice. I know we have our agency, but come on, we don't really get to do what we want. I know I should want to want to do "the right thing", but I'm having trouble finding the logic of why we can't do some things. Through every troubling thing I learn about, I can only really get past it if I have come to terms with a logical reason why it's that way and I'm having trouble finding that reason for some things. I'm trying to fake it, but deep down I'm just so sad and detached from even the people closest to me. Every time I ask for a blessing, Dave hesitates. He's got a headache or something so everything will be all "fuzzy" if he tries. Then I get upset and don't even want a blessing if he doesn't want to give one. I don't know why I am feeling this way. It almost doesn't even feel like it's me that's thinking here, but all of the sudden I am really struggling and don't know what else to do. So, moral of this message-please pray for me - this isn't even the half of it.

I really love O Devine Redeemer, only I never knew what the song was till the motab sang it today. Someone sang it in our sacrament meeting a while ago and they did an amazing job. I haven't written in a while. I guess that's because I've been busy or nothing new is going on. Joshua is doing great. I think I'm going to have to put him in size 2 diapers soon. I went to zumba last week for the first time since before morning sickness started. It was so great to get in there with tons of other people with the music loud and just let loose. I'm getting pretty depressed about how much weight I've gained. I look in the mirror and I just feel ugly. Then Dave tells me I'm beautiful and I make some sarcastic remark every time-like he must be lying :/ I got Cheryl some stuff to make banana splits for her birthday the next time she comes over. I guess I'll just send her home with the leftovers so I'm not tempted to finish it off. lol From the few talks I was able to actually listen to, I really enjoyed Conference. I usually dvr it, but I'll have to watch it online this time since I forgot.