How are you doing?

People have been asking me how I have been doing and at first I'd answer with a "doing good" without even thinking about it, but lately I have been a bit more honest. Maybe it's because I need prayers or something. I have really been having some struggles with a lot of things, internally I guess. At first I thought I might have PMDD, which is PMS but way worse, but I should have started my period already and I haven't, so I really don't know. I don't think depression is the problem, but a symptom of something else. Maybe lack of sleep is a contributor as well, because I can't remember the last time I had more than 4 hours of sleep at a time. My eyes are always bloodshot and the bags never go away (but that is genetic I guess lol). I'm stressed out, my chest hurts probably from anxiety, and I'm sorry, but I just can't stop thinking about drinking :( All these years and it's like I can still taste it, my mouth waters for it. I remember the feeling of not feeling depressed. I remember the feeling of having friends because I'm way too introverted on my own and that makes me want to drink. I don't know if this is like taboo to talk about since mormons like to keep their problems to themselves, but I don't know how else I can seek help from people, and I need help-prayers or something. Do I think I could drink, no, but it's literally painful to think of it all the time and never have it. I was feeling so bad the other day I almost emailed my rs president to tell her I didn't want my calling anymore because I just can't handle any extra stress. Our home teachers came over today and one explained that he was struggling from an addiction and could we pray for him. I started crying when I pretty much asked for the same. My faith is strong in a lot of ways, but the last week, I just can't help but think this life is some kind of sick joke. So many people are just miserable. Why were we created to just follow God? It's like I don't have a choice. I know we have our agency, but come on, we don't really get to do what we want. I know I should want to want to do "the right thing", but I'm having trouble finding the logic of why we can't do some things. Through every troubling thing I learn about, I can only really get past it if I have come to terms with a logical reason why it's that way and I'm having trouble finding that reason for some things. I'm trying to fake it, but deep down I'm just so sad and detached from even the people closest to me. Every time I ask for a blessing, Dave hesitates. He's got a headache or something so everything will be all "fuzzy" if he tries. Then I get upset and don't even want a blessing if he doesn't want to give one. I don't know why I am feeling this way. It almost doesn't even feel like it's me that's thinking here, but all of the sudden I am really struggling and don't know what else to do. So, moral of this message-please pray for me - this isn't even the half of it.

I really love O Devine Redeemer, only I never knew what the song was till the motab sang it today. Someone sang it in our sacrament meeting a while ago and they did an amazing job. I haven't written in a while. I guess that's because I've been busy or nothing new is going on. Joshua is doing great. I think I'm going to have to put him in size 2 diapers soon. I went to zumba last week for the first time since before morning sickness started. It was so great to get in there with tons of other people with the music loud and just let loose. I'm getting pretty depressed about how much weight I've gained. I look in the mirror and I just feel ugly. Then Dave tells me I'm beautiful and I make some sarcastic remark every time-like he must be lying :/ I got Cheryl some stuff to make banana splits for her birthday the next time she comes over. I guess I'll just send her home with the leftovers so I'm not tempted to finish it off. lol From the few talks I was able to actually listen to, I really enjoyed Conference. I usually dvr it, but I'll have to watch it online this time since I forgot.

I went out with some friends that I used to work with tonight. We went to Olive garden and one of the ladies son-in-law was our waiter so we all got a free dessert, which was very good. After taking a picture, I am further motivated to start eating better. Lol. I am going to wait til 6 weeks before unfreezing my gym membership so I can be fully healed, but I suppose I don't have to wait 6 weeks before eating better... I told my friends at our next dinner in December, my goal was to be down 15 lbs. Hopefully I can do better than that, but 15 is definitely a reachable goal. I also know why I should have not tried on my non-maternity clothes so soon. Very depressing. Joshua has a little cold, so things at night have not been too great. I am pretty tired, but feel like my prayers have been answered in that I feel rested even if I'm not.

Ta daa

As you can tell from the picture, my big girl finally pooped on the potty! Finally, a bribe that worked. Lol. All of the sudden we hear from the bathroom, "I'm pooping!" And sure enough, she was. Lol

The new, the free, my new blog!

Things have been going as well as we could have hoped. The first few days home, I was pretty emotional. I just hate not feeling in control of my emotions. Dave came home from work one day last week (he's had to go in the past week for meetings) and asked how I was doing. I started sobbing. I am pretty sure that day I had screamed at Maddy :( Sleep was obviously the biggest contributor to my lack of control, so there have been a couple of nights when Dave has shooed me off to bed. I told Dave there's nothing like not being pregnant to remember how much I love him. It has been so long since I actually wanted to hug Dave. I don't know what it is about pregnancy, but a lot of things, more than just intimacy, go out the window. Now that I'm starting to feel normal again, every time I have wanted to just be with him, we are too busy with the other kids, the baby, or sleeping. I finally just laid out a blanket and pillows on the living room floor last night since Joshua was sleeping in his bouncer and told Dave I needed to lay down and just have him hold me. In addition to an amazing husband, Cheryl has been a life saver. She has come over almost every day and watched the kids while I take naps. At times it is a bit chaotic, but I don't know how I could have stayed sane without her help. She is the only one besides Dave who I trust with Joshua, locally anyway. The ward brought us a few meals and my inlaws have also provided several. I don't suppose things could be any easier, but it has still been a very hard 2 weeks. Will started school last week and has loved it. He even told me he loves doing homework with me. Lol Maddy has been doing great potty training. I got sick of changing diapers, so she wears underwear all day now. The problem we were having was with pooping on the potty, so she has the choice of putting on a pullup to poop or going on the potty and getting a princess dress as a bribe. Needless to say, the dress is still hanging up unworn since I got it. So, we are making it, but I am praying Joshua starts sleeping through the night as quick as the others did. I don't function without sleep very well. We put some pictures up on google +, so if you don't have that, let me know.